maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
*jazz hands*
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*