@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

@lmwortho

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

@Cravin4

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

@TheRealPalMal

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

@MelvinofYork

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

@Fred_Delicious

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@nishadtrivedi

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.