God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.
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Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Of course I haven’t tried to count the stars. I’m not an idiot.
The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.