God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
This meal prepping shit easy
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out