Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
S O O N
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?