Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract