Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
You Might Also Like
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I am also baked goods
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.