Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe
“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.