@SlickestOfRicks

“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen

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@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@TheHyyyype

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

@bobvulfov

[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we

@UncleDuke1969

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@EndhooS

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

@bridger_w

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

@simoncholland

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

@jellybnbonanza

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.