@SlickestOfRicks

“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen

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@RollAroundSue

Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn’t know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou

@P_o_n_k

MURDERER: *kicks down my door*

ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha

@TheAlexP

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

@stEPH_u_

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

@5hael

Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.

@1InTheStinker

The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.

@ObscureGent

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

@Marlebean

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

@tastefactory

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

@GrabTheWEness

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.