“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen

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Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn’t know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou


MURDERER: *kicks down my door*

ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha


[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.


Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*


Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.


The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.


I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.


I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids


Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”


[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.