I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Natural selection at its finest
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*