Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.