[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Thank you corporation very cool
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that