Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
God I hate kids.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.