Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.