Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’ll be mad as hell!
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”