I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.
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[Writing Silence of the Lambs]
Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?
Anyone other than Jim?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
“One good thing about me is that I’m a great listener,” I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.
3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.
Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.