@SoPunnyy

Maybe he went out for the knight?

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@librarianfonz

I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.

@jimmytorosian

[Writing Silence of the Lambs]

Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?

Jim: Hannibal?

Anyone?

Jim: Hannibal

Anyone other than Jim?

@GrantTanaka

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

@Gooooats

“One good thing about me is that I’m a great listener,” I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.

@pinupteacher

3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.

Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.

@thegoodgodabove

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

@Chhapiness

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

@caithuls

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

@clindsaysway

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.