Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Very good! 👍😂
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous