maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
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[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
hmmm
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
dam girl
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about