Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.


Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.


You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.


Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well


Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.


Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were


There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”


No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.


[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.