@Jenny4ashley

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

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@ohgeorgeishere

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@1followernodad

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

@toomanycommas3

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

@summerlvn82

*I take out the car keys*

Him: Where are you going?

Me: Who knows? I’m a wild creature that can’t be tamed, I could end up anywhere

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Walgreens.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..

@AndreyasAsylum

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

@WheelTod

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”