@Jenny4ashley

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

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@Annekinns

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

@AimeeHelene1

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

@RocketRankoon

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

@valentinebaby82

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

@ConanOBrien

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

@MarfSalvador

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

@Sean_Burgundy_

There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”

@Pumpkinbabypie

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

@jdforshort

[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.