Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

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90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.


Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one


best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!


Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”


*I take out the car keys*

Him: Where are you going?

Me: Who knows? I’m a wild creature that can’t be tamed, I could end up anywhere




Me: Walgreens.


Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..


Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?


Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”