Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…