@weinerdog4life

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

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@clichedout

society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week

@AimeeHelene1

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@ArfMeasures

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

@PatsATweetin

captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in

hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*

captain: wtf is that

hawkeye: *panting* my arrows

@darksidedeb

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

@rockymomax

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned