Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell