Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.