Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

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[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra


Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug


The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.


My week is basically:
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4


PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*


when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters


Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.


Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?


Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.