trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”
But does my hair look good?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.