@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

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@EyeSeeYou619

[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@DearAuntAbby

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

@captainolya

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

@brotticelli

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@generaldietz

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

@mollymcnearney

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.