@MavenofHonor
@EyeSeeYou619
[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
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@EyeSeeYou619
@Fred_Delicious
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
@DearAuntAbby
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
@captainolya
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
@DrDogMD
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
@brotticelli
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
@Cravin4
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
@Mr_Kapowski
“GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLL”
-Soccerates
@generaldietz
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
@mollymcnearney
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.