@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

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@markhoppus

trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.

@ShaeAaron

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

@thenatewolf

I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

@LindaSuePark

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@ArfMeasures

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

@PhilJamesson

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

@KentWGraham

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

@Rollinintheseat

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

@JB4Realz

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.