@Awesomemom10

Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.

You Might Also Like

@007Pepe_Rex

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@Perilandra

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

@VVanGone

I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people

@caperbc75

First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?

@HiddleDeeDee

Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.

@comfynumb2012

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

@baronvonbike

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

@WilliamAder

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!