@Awesomemom10

Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.

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@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

@LeBearGirdle

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

@sullivem

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

@shwebby2

Bars are Weird

Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

@StoferComic

My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, “That’s a strange color for a tree.”

@Kyle_Lippert

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

@Social_Mime

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

@OneFunnyMummy

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.