Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.
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Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people
First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?
Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!