My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries