Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

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[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]

*whiney voice* “it’s windy”


ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on


If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.


*emergency room*

NURSE: “we’re losing him!”

DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: “IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN”


I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.



Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”


me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty


*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Brain: Why do you hate me?


ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.


Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary