Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
You Might Also Like
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.