Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.