@joeljeffrey

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

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@ceejoyner

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

@JohnHilsen

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

@LerbsyCherbs

I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.

@daemonic3

[Easter Sunday]

Who wants to try my Easter bunny microbrew?

“Dad, don’t”

With extra HOPS!

“Dad, stop”

Happy YEASTER!

[Uncle Ted pukes]

@pleatedjeans

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

@WhatevaConc

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

@beefman138

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

@House_Feminist

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around