Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

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One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.


Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.


I walk with a limp so people think I have a gun in my boot. And because I sprained my ankle running away from a moth.


[Easter Sunday]

Who wants to try my Easter bunny microbrew?

“Dad, don’t”

With extra HOPS!

“Dad, stop”


[Uncle Ted pukes]


[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No


Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.


My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.


I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around