maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
taking June’s advice to heart
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.