@theDanLawler

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

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@itsboyschapter

you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it

@Birdhumms

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@jwoodham

If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas.

@WilliamAder

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

@Crutnacker

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

@jensrmk

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

@LackOfShame

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here