@theDanLawler

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

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@ChrisScarlette

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

@SondraDeeMe

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

@jwoodham

Can’t wait to say “I haven’t seen you since last year!” to everyone I see next week. I’m a very popular person with thousands of friends.

@kelkulus

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

@luckinspades

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

@clindsaysway

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

@seamusmckracken

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

@sonictyrant

Bond: “Bond, James Bond”
Moneypenny: “Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny”
Q: [looking dejected] “Q, just Q, Q”

@Sassafrantz

Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down.

@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”