Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
the short answer to this question
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.