Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

You Might Also Like


May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*


*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?


Can’t wait to say “I haven’t seen you since last year!” to everyone I see next week. I’m a very popular person with thousands of friends.


My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.


Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.


An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.


Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.


Bond: “Bond, James Bond”
Moneypenny: “Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny”
Q: [looking dejected] “Q, just Q, Q”


Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down.


I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”