Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
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A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
What if the weather talks about us?