Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
This guy gets it.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh