ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Happy Halloween 🎃
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!