My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….