Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Have a lovely day 😊
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
three things we don’t talk about
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.