@robdelaney

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

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@brettminor

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

@awescar

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

@_elvishpresley_

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

@Gupton68

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

@HackettKate

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

@NOTVIKING

when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.

@JohnLyonTweets

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

@Cheeseboy22

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

@underchilde

We appreciate the 3 billion guys that signed up for our sex study, but unfortunately we only need five.