Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
#oldknees
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
HR said no more nunchucks.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.