It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Baller is short for ballerina
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
new record!
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea