People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
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“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Just a phase…
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Noah
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*launders Kohls cash*