*Parents admiring their new baby*
She has her mother’s eyes!
And her father’s nose!
And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!
Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.
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Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
me for the last 400 days: I wanna go out
government: you can now
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.
Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA