No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.
Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.
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[drops the bass]
[gets fired from fishmongers]
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.
Unrelated: my wife is leaving me
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying