@ricksteelman

Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.

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@jamdugg

*Parents admiring their new baby*

She has her mother’s eyes!

And her father’s nose!

And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

@sfreeze6

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

@BerrymoreBlue

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

@UncleDuke1969

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

@PatsATweetin

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

@sweetmomissa

Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA