@ricksteelman

Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.

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@sammyrhodes

No iPhone. I will not text bahaha. I am not a hilarious sheep.

@splendidcynic

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

@AndyAsAdjective

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

@hermanntrude

So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.

Unrelated: my wife is leaving me

@internetluke

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

@dumbbeezie

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

@SammySkinns

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying