Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.

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*Parents admiring their new baby*

She has her mother’s eyes!

And her father’s nose!

And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!


Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.


“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.


“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee


ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.


Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.


ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.


Every kiss begins with K and I’m fairly certain most divorces start with IKEA