Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.