Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

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When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.


*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?


Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn’t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.


All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.


Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.


I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.


Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!


“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs


OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.