Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

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Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.


My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.


EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented


The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.


if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree


FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?


Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.


Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have