Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Just a bush.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]