Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.