Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
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The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly