Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

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Always put down the toilet seat for two simple reasons:

1) You are mature.

2) You don’t want monsters coming out of the pots while you are sleeping.


[answering door on halloween]

please stop giving the children hamsters

ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween


Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.


My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much


SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose


even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults


I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.


Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here