There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me if I was a dog
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.