Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”