Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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I remember when things only cost an arm.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”