[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?