maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[montage of me giving-up]
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?