11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
You Might Also Like
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
road rage
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson