Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
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The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Banking tips
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?