@SamGrittner

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

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@batkaren

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

@mommajessiec

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

@jackiembouvier

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

@RobDenBleyker

Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.

@jellybnbonanza

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

@dorkwing_duck

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

@starwuxian

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

@CulturedRuffian

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

@momTruthBomb

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

@JTQuest

Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum