Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work