Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
You Might Also Like
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.