Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
dutch is not a serious language
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”