maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I cannot stop laughing at this
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.