@TigNotaro

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

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@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

@scot4bz

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

@AaronFullerton

“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift

@Mom_Overboard

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

@JessicaNorthey

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

@Vice_Queen

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

@tchrquotes

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

@stockejock

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@jus4golf

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

@simoncholland

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.