@TigNotaro

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

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@froghammer

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

@lucky_300

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

@Alex_Houseof308

Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?

Me: Sorry, did you say something?

@Brianhopecomedy

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

@ericsshadow

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

@t0shiba

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

@breadzeppellin

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

@LostFelicia

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

@gagging

I’m not going to sugar coat this – you have diabetes

@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.