Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Something Saturday.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest