Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

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Tigger: according to this book, we’re both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit


My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.


[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”


[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies


SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin


My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.


My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…


My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?



JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha


HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting


HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going


Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle