@junejuly12

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

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@usermcuserface

Tigger: according to this book, we’re both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit

@BatBatshitcrazy

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

@WheelTod

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

@AndyAsAdjective

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

@huntigula

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

@copymama

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

@MissNaughty1801

My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…

@Parkerlawyer

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

@iinkedZombie

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle