“I got this.”
Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“911 what’s your emergency”
I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES
“lol pics or didn’t happen”
My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.
“THIS is my wife..”
*looks down at the ground
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”