maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
The happy life.. 😊
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.