maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

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“I got this.”

Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.


I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?



Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.


Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?


Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either


“911 what’s your emergency”
“what happened”
“lol pics or didn’t happen”


My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground


*kicks can


If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.


I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?


[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”