maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle